the not so bitter truth

My dad came over today and we talked about divorce- Specifically the divorce of he and my mom- The story is common, as common as found in 1 out of 2 marriages (Statistics show that 50% of marriages will end in divorce).........
I spent the first 30 years of my life loathing my dad for walking out on my mom, sister, and I- many of those years were bathed in bitterness and anger with a deep desire to know what kind of a man walks away from a loving wife and 2 precious babies- I would vacillate between two opinions- the first being he was heartless and self centered and the second being he had made a narrow minded decision with no idea the devastation and hurt it would cause.  I always wondered if he would make the same decision again given the chance to go back- whatever had caused him to walk away, would he say now that it was better than what he had with us- Was it all worth it?
In 2005, a few months after my 30th birthday I got a call from my dad- It was somewhat out of the blue as, at that point, we would see each other or talk on the phone 3-4 times a year, usually at a social gatherings or for specific purposes.  The Lord had been working in my heart prior to the phone call- opening my eyes to the sin of bitterness that had taken root towards him- I was beginning to realize that I had no right to hold grudges and bitterness towards him when I was a sinner too- Maybe my sin looked different (gossiping, judging, mean comments, etc.) and had different consequences BUT none the less it was still sin and I needed to get off my judgmental high horse and forgive. I could feel a hope starting deep in my heart that the Lord could restore the years my dad and I had lost.  Not literally, as time and circumstances naturally move you forward- but instead in the hearts of my dad and I, make it so that the bitterness that had taken root in my heart and the bad decision (to leave) my dad had made would be smooth ground between us- Joel 2:25 say's that the Lord can 'restore the years the locusts have eaten.'  My dad and I needed God to restore the years the locust had eaten in both of our lives!
After answering the call, he immediately said 'Hon, I need to ask you to forgive me.'............I knew what he was asking forgiveness for but wanted to hear his response anyway.........'For walking out on Jodi and you like I did'.............When we hung up my hands held my face as I cried- actually I wept............A decision to leave 30 years prior and a phone call asking forgiveness all these years later. What about all the in between......Life had somehow gone on for him and for me- We had both had so many life experiences- He had other children (I love you Chris, Levi, and Anne) and I had another 'dad'. I had grown up without him and he without me......

A few interesting statistics in regards to children and divorce-

Long term effects of divorce on children

• Out of the total long-term prison inmates, 70 percent are raised in broken homes
• Six years after a parental marriage breakup, the children of such parents are generally insecure, anxious, unhappy and lonely
• As compared with children residing in broken homes, those children who live with their biological parents are 20 to 35 percent physically healthier

Back to talk between my dad and I-
What were we going to do about the gap of 30 years between us- How were we going to pick up and move on?  What is the not so bitter truth?

I don't know what it looks like for others but this is what is looked like for my dad and I


Forgiveness being first and trust being second.....
The forgiveness could have  stopped at the asking and granting- no deep relationship sought but instead a Godly peace between us and no more......I wanted more than that and I know my dad did too but because of the long ago hurts I could not just hand my heart over- I needed to test the trust worthiness of the relationship- By owning that which he did wrong started the ball rolling in me trusting him- His willingness to allow me to ask ANY question and his transparent answers that do not hold even a hint of reserve opened the door to being able to understand all that had gone on and the reasoning behind it-  


Realizing that my dad is human and giving him grace and forgiveness when he fails and for past failures....
If my children gave me no grace or forgiveness I would be in big trouble because I have failed so many times as a parent.  A difference between my dad and I, as parents, is that my dad had failed right out of the gate, before any relationship had been established between us- In my mind this entitled me to look down on him and hold resentment.  God says different.......Forgive, Don't let bitterness take root, show grace to each other- Trust that God knew what my dad's actions would be and covered my sisters, brother's, and I and allowed nothing that He (God) could not ultimately use for His glory!


God will never fail, abandon, or let me down
This takes the pressure off my dad to be perfect and meet every need I have- Earthly father's are so important BUT my Heavenly Father is even more important- He is the one who ultimately will never let me down- He is the one who gives me the strength to make it through each day- 

The gap of 30 years gone by between my dad and I was breached by 2 arms spread wide and hands nailed to Calvary's cross........Christ shedding his blood for our sins....Rom. 5:8 While we were yet sinners Christ died for our sins.......He bore the weight of my dad's decision to walk out and my decision to become bitter and angry on the cross- He redeemed our decisions from the pit of hell and then rose to victory with our redemption!  Picking up and moving on for us looks like 2 people sitting at the foot of the cross in appreciation of all that Christ has done for us- None better or worse than the other.....In Christ we are equal and forgiven- That's how the Lord restores the years the locusts ate- He took the human facts (my dad was not at my birth, he was not there when I took my first steps, he did not walk me down the aisle etc..) and trumps them with Godly facts (Christ died on the cross for our sins....we have all sinned.....etc..) and shows us grace.  Grace in that my dad and I do not need to focus on the 'before's' but instead we get to focus on the amazing healing God has given us both!

Thank you for sitting at the foot of the cross with me dad- I love you and am so proud of your courage to talk truth- even when the truth hurt....on this side of heaven you may never know the impact your open honesty has had on my life but when we both stand with Jesus someday I pray He gives a glimpse.

My dad with his 5 kids